It is back to school time and I am amused when I sit waiting for my daughter to come out of her school. She has, in the past attended a school where it was hard to find her when the bell rang, as every girl looked the same.
Now she is in high school and she is in The Fine Arts Academy as a dance major. This high school is basically the equivalent to the high school of preforming arts in the movie FAME, sadly without spontaneous lunch songs.
I watch the children coming out of the doors, some have pink hair shaved on the sides and look very surly. Some are tossing a football looking very assure, some hold books appearing astute.
Today I saw a girl with a mullet wearing a KISS tee shirt and a leather cuff on her right wrist. We would have been friends.
The most astounding thing I saw was a parent yelling at their child to hurry up, this parent used all the cliche empty parental threats that were not at all threats.
"Hurry up! The world does not revolve around you!"
"I swear if you don't get in this car....we have to get your brother, why are you always thinking of yourself?"
I had to chuckle as I still sat and waited for my own child.
I have five children.
There was a time when I caught myself yelling at them to clean their messy rooms, I was tired of tripping over toys or worse getting a damn piece of Littlest Pet Shop stuck in my foot.
I lost it. I yelled, "YOU ALL ARE SO SPOILED ROTTEN, YOU ACT SO ENTITLED, YOU DON'T TAKE CARE OF ANYTHING, WHY DO YOU ONLY THINK OF YOURSELVES?!"
I stopped. I looked around at the mass of toys and realized my children did not buy them, I did. I looked at each child individually. Each child had a time where the world did in fact revolve around them and only them. Each child had a time where they were the only one.
I have often said to new parents that the very best advice I can give them is to not rescue their child at every turn. Let them forget their homework and not rush to school to bring it to them. Even if you are lucky enough to be a stay at home parent that is not part of your job. Get over the guilt. If you rescue them you will only be teaching them not to care for themselves.
If you think your child acts spoiled, ask yourself who spoiled them? Who bought all the toys? Who said yes at every whimper and whine?
If your child acts entitled who replaced their cell phone they lost or dropped in the pool? Of course they are entitled. you made them that way.
If your child is ungrateful who did not teach them proper manners or gratitude?
We tell our children to say thank you to grandparents or friends when they are given a gift, but do you teach your child to say thank you for dinner?
I am by far not a perfect parent. My children are not perfect people. What they are is happy. They like to be in my company and talk to me. They tell me things most kids would not share, and lets be honest what they don't tell me I probably already know but figure it is best left unsaid.
My children are very smart. Most of them have decided or made life choices that limited their career or college choices. Instead they use their intellect to search out what they want to learn, and what makes them happy as people, and happy in the relationships they create.
I am not taking all the credit for this, they were given a lot of freedom to make messes. As toddlers they could play naked in mud for hours, as teens they broke rules and learned from their decisions. When I went through my own dark place my children were left alone mostly learning from each other. I was here physically but not mentally.
If you have such a busy life that you have no time to let your child learn how to tie their own shoe, you need to re evaluate some things. Yes it can be frustrating sitting on the floor watching them fuddle with their chubby fingers to make rabbit ears and cross them over (or however you teach the art of shoe tying), but it can also be amusing and a wonderful opportunity to encourage and let them know they can do it on their own. When they do finally get that shoe tied by themselves you will have given them the opportunity to be proud and excited at their own achievement.
As they grow you need to let go of what you feel their achievements should be, and follow their lead in support.
Keep Your sense of humor
Be patient
Pick your battles
Let them make mistakes
Love them
As a last note, when you want to have those uncomfortable talks and aren't ready to sit down at a table I find the car works best. Make sure you have at least a 30 minute ride that involves a highway. They wont jump out and are literally a captive audience. It also helps to let them have control of the radio stations.
