I did a very scary thing today. A thing that still holds taboo for many people. No, not sex, and frankly if sex is a taboo for you, then you need to do what I did today.
I saw a therapist.
This is not my first go-round with psychotherapy. It has however been a while since I sat in a chair, or on a sofa and talked about myself.
The last time I did my therapist fell asleep. Snoring and everything. Which would not have been so bad if it wasn't for the fact that I was talking about how my needs are never met.
Psychiatry is altogether different and I consider them as high paid drug dealers. In fact I refer to my psychiatrist as my dealer.
Today I met a doctor who will hopefully put the pieces of the puzzle together with me.
My first reaction upon meeting him was that he looked like the cowardly lion from the Wizard of Oz, only younger and thinner.
I followed him up the staircase of yellow brick (metaphorically) to his office where I faced my first test. Where do I sit?
Standard non Freudian room, two comfortable chairs side by side (making it awkward to see him over the things on the coffee table should he choose the other chair).
"Sit where ever you like"
"HA!" I thought, I know this game, where I sit will say something deep and important about my psyche and it would be a phone call away from the flying monkeys.
I chose the sofa, giving him the chair across from me. I wanted that chair but I saw his cup next to it silently claiming that chair is his.
Had I passed my first test of where to sit? Was he taking notes? I can't recall.
Dr. Lion (as I will call him) is a very affable man. A quality one would want when handing over the oozing dark cobwebbed parts of your brain.
"So, tell me about yourself." Or maybe it was, "So, what brings you here today?" Either way that was how it began. I expected a lot of "And how does that make you feel?"
Happily that was not uttered once.
I began to ramble on, trying to be light hearted and ended up with a tissue box in my lap along the way. The yellow brick road is a tricky road to maneuver. You need to stop the inner dialogue of stupid things like "Does Dr. Lion realize I am looking to the left when he asks me questions? Because looking to the left means I am telling the truth."
My brain said "Shut up!"to the other frolicking of my mind, "is that a real fish" "Why are there toys downstairs?" My brain said be strong and look in control. Of course if I was in control I would not be on this sofa.
There was a time when my family went on vacation. A time when we were all still living the charade of being the perfect family, mother and father together, me and my two older brothers. We went on some boat that the guide would ominously tell us was haunted. Caretakers heard noises, things moved in the night, the usual ghost tour sort of thing.
One of my brothers was afraid. I was too young to grasp it all and the idea of seeing a ghost meant nothing to me. But it was all real for my brother. He cried, he did not want to go. I can not recall if he did go on the boat or not, but there is a picture of us, the happy family, with one sad boy who was crying.
Why did my parents want to immortalize that in a photo? Had my father been harsh with him and tell him to buck up, or whatever fathers said back then? Did my mother hold him close to her for comfort constantly whispering it is not real, it is just a story.
Or was he left alone to deal with his phantoms?
I have looked at that picture a lot. We make fun of it still today, and I still don't know if it stings him when we do. He takes it in good humor, but is it real humor?
I often wonder if the things I worry about are real. My phantoms that make me want to cling to my fathers leg, or have him scoop me up in his arms (Which I have no actual memory of him doing tho I am sure he did).
Dr, Lion wants me to breathe. I felt a little disheartened at this, I am always breathing. I have been a self help junkie since my teens, I have claimed my power though Betty Friedan,
"No woman gets an orgasm through shinning the kitchen floor."
I have had lunch with Tony Robbins.
"The path to success is to take massive, determined action" I always want to "OOH RAH" after that one.
NLP, EDMR, Hypnosis, meditation, masturbation (just threw that in to see if you were paying attention),yoga, chakra healing, labyrinth walking, opiates, Hellen Reddy I am Woman.
Name it, I've done it.
So why the stigma still on getting therapy? Didn't Woody Allen make it cool? Until he married his daughter of course.
Isn't this a society where everyone is on something to help them get through the day? We even drug our children.
One for him, one for me, and "Have a nice day dear!"
The hour was up and Dr. Lion had an infectious enthusiasm about our relationship.
Next appointment made, and back down the yellow brick road I went. I am guessing each time I will take a step or two more in the right direction down the road until Dr. Lion tells me I had it in me all along.
The drive home was beautiful, sun setting, a slight chill in the air and all I wanted to do was call my brother and tell him I am sorry I was too young to tell him he didn't have to go on the boat. He could stay on the yellow brick path with me.
