Are You Sure That Was Me?

Sitting in Atlanta at an Italian restaurant last night I was well reminded of why I adore my family.

Family has many aspects, but ultimately we are all connected.  This family consisted of my two brothers, their wives and my youngest daughter.

Having not grown up with sisters I do not have the memories of some of my friends.  Our fights, when we did fight, were hard core.  Often ended with me being hurt and probably tattling to our mother in some form.

We sat over bottles of wine, and food my daughter has not seen (being a true Texan that she is).  The Jersey in me came out.

Tales were told that more often than not ended with one of us saying, "Oh my God I did do that!"
It was almost a race of who did the worst thing.  My eldest brother held back, being the most reserved of the three of us, so my other brother and I took up the slack and told his stories for him.  I looked over and saw him laughing behind his antipasto.

Yeah, we were all young once, we were all kids.  We are held together by memories of old girlfriends and boyfriends, a few car crashes, a lot of parties, and general good times.  In our small town we grew up in our family was known.  I am not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but it is fact.

I looked at my brother and his grey hair and he is still the lady killer he once was.  My other brother with no grey hair and his wife are the picture of suburban living and health.

They in turn made me take a look at myself.  I was grilled on the way home why I do not, to this day, like to go out to eat.  When the reason turned out to be a bad mushroom trip from 30 years ago  my daughter piped up, "That is why you don't like to go out to eat?!"

We punish ourselves  more than anyone else will ever punish us.  Some of it remains, and lingers into our personality and just becomes part of us that we navigate.  When my brother showed light on it, I had to laugh because it does seem rather silly, but I am so used to it now, it is just part of who I am.

I love it when I find out my own children get together and go out, or stay in.  I do not have to be therm just knowing about it makes me happy.  Now I know why.

They are family.  They belong to a certain group, raised by me, and have shared experiences that I may or may not know about. And that is the way it should be.

Someday I may not recall all these memories that were tossed around last night like the buttery rolls.  I hope my youngest was listening so she can retell them.  I have the fortune of once being very close to our mother and hearing her stories that she did not want "the boys", my brothers to know.  They are old enough to handle them now, and I am old enough that I better tell them to someone before I forget.

My mom would have loved to have been there at dinner with us.  But would we have been so open and honest if she was there?  Absolutely.  That was how we were raised.  Very few secrets existed in our family, and if they did they were huge secrets worthy of being kept.

Last night I sat at the table and took it all in.  How we have all survived our adventures, and misadventures.

Last night I confessed to my daughter a few things, without a lot of choice.  Every parent must decide to let their children know more than just the parental side of them or not.  I have never really been one to abide by the strict parental role.  I love my children and want them to know me, and yes this comes with a past.

I also want my children to take some risks and create their own pasts.

One day I hope all five of my babies are sitting around a table sharing, wine, or margaritas and laughing over the shit they did when they were younger.

For now, they are younger.

For now, I get to enjoy the feeling of being with my family, my family of siblings.  It is one of the greatest feelings in the world to sit and laugh and know you are loved because of and in spite of my history.

Because with my family, we share the same history.  Only the view points change.

Pour the wine, tell the stories, embrace the family, close and extended.

You may regret some of your actions of your youth, but one day it may just end up a funny story that is part of a bond.