Does God Do Windows?

Next to sympathy the thing I am worst at is asking for help.

There have been a few times in my life when I have been forced to ask for help because I just simply could not handle things.

I remember every time I have ever asked for help, because it was so hard for me to do.

When my husband was sick I got better at asking for help.  After he died I reverted back to my own ways, and made some major mistakes by not asking for help.

Now that my mother is in the hospital and I am trying my best to be in three or four different places at the same time, I am still not able to ask for help beyond that of my partner.

People are sweet and offer help.  I never know if someone is serious when they say, "Can I do anything for you?"

If I am asked this my brain starts screaming, "YES!  I need someone to clean my house, go grocery shopping, I would love a home cooked meal. My child has not seen a vegetable in a month!"  My mouth says, "That is sweet of you thank you, but I think we got this."

No.  We don't "got this"

My idea of good parenting has turned into getting a Cliff Bar and some Naked Mango juice for my daughter.

Our refrigerator has empty pizza boxes and various rotting delivery cartons.  My pantry has a few cans of beans. and maybe some rice.

No.  We don't got this.

Meredith sits at the hospital while I drive around my daughter around, or vice versa.

We pass by the grocery store but instead turn into todays choice of fast food.

There is dog shit in the dinning room again, because no one was here to let them out.

Yet for some reason I can not ask for help.

A few days ago I sat in my car at the hospital and spoke out loud.  I said, "I do not know who to talk to...God?...Peggy?"  That made me laugh. Peggy is my mother in law and I think she would like to know that I spoke her name knowing that she would answer.  Still I did not pick up the phone to call her.

I have my brother coming in this weekend to help with mom.  Maybe we will be able to at least get groceries while he is here.

Why is it so hard to ask for help?

For appearances?  Not wanting to show weakness?

I would tell anyone else saying this to get over it.  I would reassure them that we all need help at times and we have to suck it up and ask.

I have always been terrible at following my own advice.

So if you see me and I have a dust cloud of Pigpen dirt around me, know I have not yet asked for time to shower.  

Chances are good that you won't see me.  Unless you are working at the hospital, or drive up next to me at a red light.  I will smile and wave, wanting to reassure you that I Got This Damnit!

I have baby wipes and deodorant in my purse, I can take on anything.

Only, I can't.

Now I fear this blog will elicit sympathy.