Two Stepping

I am going to do something that has in the past gone against my nature.  In fact it is something I held to be such a firm belief NOT to do that I have often times preached about it.

I am going to make amends.

I do not drink, or do drugs and have not since I was 19 and quit it all.  Okay yes I have the occasional Xanax and I have been on and off antidepressants since Eric died.

People who have gone through the official 12 step process get to a step that I dislike.  Step 8.

Make a list of all persons we have harmed, and become willing to make amends to them all.


This step has been thrown back in my face by people who "harmed" me in some way and I have recieved emails,  phone calls or even hand written letters asking for forgiveness.  Almost every single person who has done this to me I either forgot about, or had no idea they had wronged me in anyway and now after the fact I get upset and must forgive something I never knew happened at the time.  I believed it was better to make peace with yourself and move on rather than inflicting an unknown wound.


As it turns out, I am wrong.  


I am wrong.


Those words have been circling in my head for weeks, if not months.


I like to think that I am a good person, and I mean no one any harm.  When in fact I am not a very good person.  I make mistakes.  Most of my mistakes are not intentional, but yes I am guilty of being cruel, selfish, egotistical, and a liar.


There is an irony that lies within all this.  Whenever I feel I am on the "right track" and feel my life to be getting in order is usually when something happens.  I have to wonder if it is not some soft of self sabotage.  Perhaps it is.  


Do I deep down feel I do not deserve the great job that I lost just today?  Do I feel I am not worthy of friendships I have destroyed with harsh and uncalled for actions?


Do I feel I do not deserve to love or be loved ever again?


I don't know.  Maybe.  But that is not the point here.  That, again is acting selfishly and thinking only of myself.


I thought of writing a book of confessions. The entire history of all my wrong doings, without explanation to them, without "my side of the story" included.

I would be honest and open, and truthful.  I would also be vilified.


Without further ado, I will attempt to make a few amends here.  (no names will be mentioned, and no identity clearly identifiable, you will know who you are).


To this person I want to say I am sorry I was a coward and did not return your love in the way it should have been returned.  I should have not taken any moment with you for granted as I did.  I will make no excuse of our age, it is a harm that carried into our future and I feel taints what we could have today.  I was wrong.  


To this person I want to say it was not your fault that my heart was broken by you.  I allowed it. 


To this person I want to say to this day I will never touch a can of spray paint and not think of the pain I caused you.  I was so wrong.


To this person I want to say I am sorry I pushed you off the bed and caused a black eye by doing so.  My tears and kisses then have not made up for it, and maybe a lifetime wont either.


To this person I want to say I still think you are a total dick head and deserve every bad thing that has happened to you in your life.


(oops, I got off track, but in being honest that is still how I feel about that person)


To these people I want to say I am sorry I betrayed your trust in exchange for gossip.


To this person I want to say I still do not forgive myself for the things I said about you and you overheard.


To this person I want to say you did nothing wrong.  I was selfish, I wanted more.  I was greedy.  It was all me.


To this person I want to say I am sorry I stole from you.  This is my biggest regret in my life, and I will not get over it even when you have been fully repaid.


To all people I want to say I am sorry I am not who you think I am.  I lie.  


To all people I want to say I am sorry I do not, and have not, lived up to what you all thought I was or could be.


I lay prostrate before you all, and I do not ask for forgiveness.  I simply want to apologize without any need for acknowledgment or justification.


I can only hope to learn and become the person other people have thought I was.