Twenty-one years ago today I set sail on a honeymoon of a lifetime. I was twenty-two years old, married, and in love. Before 250 witnesses I pledged my life to this man. I had dreams of us growing old together.
Seven years later we parted as friends.
Two years after that I again pledged my life to a man. Only this time my witnesses were our children we brought from our individual previous marriages and the one we created that at the time of our vows was gestating happily. I had dreams of us growing old together.
Four years later he died, and I am the keeper of his ghost and our family.
Thirty-one years ago my own father passed away.
One might think I have bad luck in choosing men. I disagree. I have been blessed.
I have always been fortunate in my relationships. A serial monogamist. A good friend said that I am the kind of person who is meant to be with someone else. She said, "You couple well".
She also predicted I would be married within five years of Eric's death, and a guru at an ashram also said he saw me married within a year.
That was three years ago.
I have not taken many lovers over the last eight years, but the few I did take on did not work out. I remain friends with most.
If a friendship is maintained the relationship was successful. It does not matter if you are no longer in love, or in bed, or on the same schedule anymore. As long as there was something real, than it was successful.
I turned to John for advice the other night about a recent relationship that ended before it ever began.
John went in to a long discussion about me, not about me and my partner, or me and my past, just me. He asked me hard rhetorical questions.
One of which was, "Do you want to be here?"
I was really hoping he meant my bed where we were sitting. I always want to be in my bed. No, he meant "here" the literal. Alive. Do I want to be alive. Do I want to stop existing and start living again?
For a brief moment I felt as tho I was in a tent revival and some strong guys were going to pop out from my bathroom to catch me as John pressed the spirit of Jesus into my head.
It's not that easy.
I started to ask a question and no sooner did the words form that I had the answer.
The question was, "Why do I keep choosing the wrong people? The emotionally unavailable or geographically impossible or too young for me?"
The answer is; it is not that I am choosing the wrong partners. I am the wrong one. As long as I continue on this course that I have made very comfortable I will never find a person who fits me. The fault lies within.
Today someone said to me they thought life sucks and that it kicks the shit out of you, but he is prepared to kick the shit out of life instead.
Although I admire his fortitude that is not the approach I want to take. I want to find me again.
Yes, I want to be here. Fully here. It may mean I end up fully here alone, and it may not. But either way I want this life I was given.
I will for now, take myself off the shelf and out of the market.
Until I find out who I am now, I will always be the wrong partner. I will never be able to fully give to my partner my heart when I am not yet in love with who I am.
Now, I must work on waking up, coming out of a long comfortable fog and learn to love myself again, so that I can be here.
When I am finally here, the world will know it.
You've always chosen the right person, at the right time, to teach you what you needed to learn. Or in same or all cases, teach them that they need to learn. In a way, you've always been the right person; for that moment. You've had so many years of putting focus on other people's needs and desires; nurturing and supporting them; raising them and feeding them. Is it YOUR turn now?
ReplyDeleteI was asked that question 6 months ago after I found out I had cancer. I realized it was a tougher question then it sounded. Once I realized I DID want to be here, and I wanted to live life fully, the rest was easy.
A psychic once told me, "You will have one person after another ripped out of your life through death, break-ups, or circumstances. Until you learn the one thing the Universe is trying to teach you. That you are the MOST IMPORTANT person in your life. Live like that is true, and all the right people in the right time will be attracted towards you." Ne'er a truer set of phrases spoken!
My Hypno mentor said, "It's easy to attract a congruent partner. All you have to do is BECOME YOUR LIST. Make a list of all qualities you want in another, and take some time out to BECOME them." Because after all, a romantic partner is a mirror of yourself. We are all one another's mirrors.
Akasha thank you so much for your comment. How very true. I am glad you have decided to be here and kick cancer in the ass. I like the idea of maybe some partners were brought to me so that they can learn something too.
ReplyDeleteThe difficult part is loving myself. Outwardly many would think I am a poster child of confidence. But often it is just a facade.
Good luck on your journey. Sending love your way.