Been A Long Time

One of my daughters has a friend who happens to have a hot Dad.  I shared his picture with my friend Hilary.

Her response was, "Please tell me he is single and you are interested."

He is single, and as much as I like to tease my daughter about it, I am not interested in him.  My response to Hilary was different.

"I am afraid darling that I am out of his league."

She sighed, and said, "Remember when no one was out of our league, and it was the opposite?"

Yes, I remember.  

It is not a matter of how thin I was (though in this culture that helped) or how long my hair was, it was not that I thought of myself as the best looking girl/woman in the world.  What made me feel that way was confidence.

This feeling was back in a time when my height and weight were proportionate, and perhaps that helped give me the confidence to be the person I was.

Was. 

Proud, strong, optimistic, spontaneous, sexy, flirty, fun.  

I can hear the naysayers in my head now saying that I am still all that and more.  I can hear the voices clearly, the ones of my friends who love me no matter what.  How I love them for that.

I wish it was enough.  I wish that all their voices would give me back that confidence I once had.  If you met me now, you would not think I am a woman lacking in confidence.  I am extremely good at faking it.

There are areas of  my life where I am honestly confident.  My work.  I know I am good at what I do.  My writing, my photography.  All those aspects I never question or doubt.  They help make me feel alive and defined.

Much of the rest of the time I feel invisible.  This is a theme I have been writing about for some time now, and I know that I am the only one who can make myself visible again.  

I cut my hair today.  No one noticed except for one of my children who happened to be with me at the time it was being cut.  I am not talking a trim, I am talking a big giant cut, a big change.

I can not help but feel sad that no one noticed.  

I am even more sad that I care so much about it.

Sure I could post a picture online and scream, "LOOK I CUT MY HAIR". and let the comments roll in. But that is not what I am seeking either.

What I am seeking is the Nike motivation of "Just Do It" that does not seem to be happening.  That inner oomph that kicks my ass out of bed with gusto.

I want to rid myself of the excuses and fears and be all that I can be, without joining the Marines.

I want to be noticed.

Not by you, or strangers, or my daughter's friend's Dad.

I want to be noticed by myself.

To look in the mirror, or at my body, and say, "Ahhh there you are.  I have missed you and welcome back."