With new found enthusiasm I was over the moon at the idea of learning to love myself again. Ready to take on this momentous project, and dare I say, the lingering idea of turning it into a book? Who does not want to learn how to love themselves more? Best seller for sure.
I see a fit healthy new me that glows with exuberance sitting along side Matt Lauer, (I gently move my long curly hair to the side a litte) "Well Matt, yes it has been a journey, but one that did not require me leaving my children or duties. Sure anyone could go to India, or Italy [I had to add a dig to other authors somehow] to "find" themselves. But the truest journey is when you go within. When you seek love, absolution and forgiveness from within. I believe that the turning point for me came when...."
Matt interrupts, "That's all we have time for, thank you Amy Evers, your book "______________" has been on the NY Times Best Seller list now for 32 weeks, coming up next, Do we really have to suffer with ingrown toenails?"
I giggled for at least a day over such scenarios.
I fell asleep starting to make lists of how to go about this, make it a reality. I could taste it as clearly as the entire tray of brownies I had consumed earlier.
Then I woke up. Literally. I woke up and walked to the bathroom and there on my visage were not one but three zits that blossomed to a full bloom while I slumbered.
Really? ACNE? I thought I was in menopause. Okay maybe perimenopause, but all the same, three glorious zits?
Pause. I love myself remember? Look again, See further than the acne, look deeper. Oh My God, that is one long giant ass chin hair! And it is white. Just sign me up now for a part time job as Santa in the mall, I am sure by then it will turn into a full beard. Acne and chin hair. I am turning into a hormonal teenage boy minus the testosterone.
Taking a moment to reevaluate my situation, clearly the first step to my love project was not going to begin on the outside.
The outside will reflect my inner beauty once I have learned to love and accept my flaws and changes.
After that trite cliche came to mind, I thought, and how many books were written like that?
This was only day one, did I expect miracles to happen overnight? No. But nor did I anticipate acne and chin hairs either.
Gathering up my gusto, I continued on with my day. Doing all the things I would normally do. The shuffling of children, stressing over money matters, trying not to pick at my zits which I was tempted to name after Great evil characters of destruction. One was particularly large and could not decide if it should be Voldemort or Judas.
A day ago I was hyped up to claim my life back, to start fresh, to travel within to find the love of myself. Now less than twentyfour hours later I was sitting in line at Jack in the Box thinking of names for my zits.
This was not the plan I had been mentally putting in place.
It has been a few days, Voldemort, Claudius and Cruella have all but gone back from whence they came. It was a short derailment and learning opportunity that I am sure I learned nothing from as they will annoy me every time they appear. Perhaps the lesson is not to learn to love everything about myself flaws and all. Maybe I need to learn how to deal with those things that pop up (pun very much intended.)
I do not want to turn into some sweet little lady who drips with euphemisms and platitudes. I want my spark. My feistiness, my fun to return. That may always involve naming facial eruptions, and cursing at them when I dare to glance in the mirror.
As for the chin hair, I will rip them out as violently as they appear until there are no follicles left to produce. If I can not reproduce, then my chin can't either. Those are just the rules around here in the body of Amy.
I may be offer to a wobbly start along this inward journey, but be sure of this, I have started.
I think loving yourself is not that much different than loving a partner. Somedays you wake up and are so irritated with them, you can't wait until they leave the house. Other days, you want to snuggle in bed with them. You fall in and out of love with them the entire relationship. But the relationship with self never ends in divorce. It doesn't even end with death. Every day you find the best thing about yourself you can muster, and adore those things. You may have been host to three alien babies in the form of zits, but I bet your hair looked TERRIFIC!
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