the Love Project

In a conversation with a friend I said something sarcastic that hit to the bone.  Sarcasm is my usual defense when feeling cornered.  He replied with , "Well I will go further in life than you ever will."

At the time of the conversation/argument I agreed with him.  "I am sure you will."

But then I started to think about what that means.  To "go further".  Knowing this person it meant monetarily.

I have been there.  I have had dinner with a the captain of the Queen Elizabeth II.  I have had diamonds that could buy a car.  I had a wedding that could have bought a house.  I have bought two houses.  I have had more cars than I can count (tho not at one time).

I have been poor.  I have pawned the diamonds, and sold cars to get Christmas gifts for my kids.

Money is a pain in the ass, when you don't have it.  Or so the saying goes.

But there is one thing more important than money.  It's love.  Yes I know that is cliche and douchey, but also true.

I have been going through some trying times in the last few months and for the most part have not let many people in on it.  Seriously sometimes bitching about my life just gets tiresome, even to me.

Yesterday I made a decision  to focus on love instead of strife.  Be better to the ones I love.  My children, my siblings, my friends, my parents.  That is how the list came out in my head.  After looking at it, I realized someone was missing from this love list.  Myself.

I do not think I have truly loved myself since Eric died.  My identity was how he saw me.  How he loved me.  How I loved him.  I lost that identity when he took his last breath almost 8 years ago.

Now I am faced with gaining back the love of myself.  Becoming the person I once was only better.  I just am not entirely sure how to go about it.

I don't want a big house, or a fancy brand new car.  I have no use for diamonds.

I want to pay my bills, put food on the table and know what it means to love myself again.

When I can do that, I will be free from the lingering depression that has become a part of my identity.

 When I do that I will be able to offer even more love to my children, family and friends.

I hope I do fall in love again someday.  I hope I do get to experience the kind of love where I am accepted as is.  A love that allows me to be strong, weak, tired, scared, powerful, fun, and playful.

Should it never happen again, than I hope to love myself enough to be alone, without sadness.

My daughter is reading a book about a woman who went about a year of claiming happiness.  Even though I have a distaste for the "year memoirs" as I call them, I do like the idea of finding happiness and creating it.

Maybe I need to map out on a conscious level what would bring me back to loving myself, without the need or desire of a partner to help identify that,

Maybe I need a "Love Project."

Maybe this is the idea of something bigger than myself.

let the Love Thyself Project begin!