These Boots

In between hot flashes, adult acne, and a daunting countdown to my 25th high school reunion, I have endured summer.

Not that summer is over according to the temperature.  Our hottest days lay ahead still.  The calendar dictates that summer is over as the kids have gone back to school, and suddenly my schedule is filling up with people returning from their holidays.

My clients sit in my chair and regale me with stories of travels far and near.  Out of kindness they ask what I managed to do this summer.

The question always reminds me of that first paper you have to write in second or third grade about what you did over the summer.  Sometimes for me it was as simple as, "I went to fat camp."
Often the paper was filled with stories of hanging out at the lake with my friends, and slathering baby oil all over my skin so I could get as tan as possible.

The smell of coconut Hawaiian Tropic still makes me smile.

Not this summer.  This summer I did not go to the beach, or lay out, or even go to the pool much.  This summer I lost myself and found myself.

Not exactly the thing a client wants to hear, so I usually answer that I worked, and as my kids are older they all did their own thing, which is true.

I however lost a job, found a career, and for a short time lost my identity altogether.

I spent many days and nights pondering who the hell I was.  How did I become the person I was seeing in the mirror?

I dug so deeply into myself that the rest of the world around me became a blur.  I became disconnected not only with myself but with my friends and family, and when I opened my eyes I did not like the place I had landed.

My eyes did open though, and I realized that I spent way too much time trying to figure out who I was then actually embracing who I am.

While contemplating writing a book a friend told me to dig deep.  I related this to another common friend and she said, "That's excellent advice, you should.  What did you do today that took up some time and thought?"

The honest answer was, "I spent over half an hour laying on my bed watching the ceiling fan."

My friend, who happens to be a therapist said, "Not exactly a book I would pick up."

But do I really want to dig deep?  Do I want to go to those places that other people may or may not find interesting?  I spent almost an entire summer living in my head without my toes touching sand even once.

I feel almost like I literally lost myself within myself, and just in the past few weeks I have been able to climb out, look back and say, "Lesson learned."

I found myself and then some.  I found the part of me that knows I deserve good things, the part of me that loves and adores my children and friends and family.  I found a part of me I did not know existed before, a part that has business and networking savvy.  Once I gave this part of me permission to reemerge  it has come out in abundance.

I feel excited again, and more alive,  more me. 

I may be speaking in vague terms because the details are not important.  What is important is tonight I sat on the bed with the kids and talked, laughed and told stories.  I was present.  Completely in the moment.

I may not lose one pound before my high school reunion. I may show up wearing cowboy boots that will be oddly out of place, I may have gray in my hair.  But I will show up being me.  A better me than I was 25 years ago, a better me than I was a year ago, and a better me than I was even this morning.

The part of me I lost was the trusting in myself and my confidence.

The part I found was even more trust and faith in myself and a confidence that I hope is as infectious and sexy as it feels to me.

I may be the fat girl at the reunion wearing cowboy boots, but you can bet I will work those boots unlike any other.  Because that's who I am and what I do!