After yesterday's blog I received a few phone calls. One was from one of my exes and she simply and jokingly said, "OMG YOU ARE GAY?!" We laughed.
One person sent me an email offering to help me change my mind. He went on in great detail about how there are churches and programs out there that could help me find my way back to the "straight and narrow" (sic).
And one call that when I saw the name pop up on my caller ID I was already laughing. I answered, and all she said was, "So I was your first love huh?"
Having been at work with a client processing, it was not the time or place to have any kind of serious conversation, so I laughed and said, "You are not supposed to throw my writing back at me!"
I changed the subject to talk about my current personal romantic life, and then inquired to hers.
Ultimately she wanted to go back to me admitting she was my first love. I think she felt a modicum of guilt over it being a love not returned, or even recalled.
I tried to in a hurried manner assuage her fears that it was really not about her at all. It was my story. That she played a character and didn't know, she as never given my edit of the script. It is not her fault. Someday when I have time, and the kids are not around, and I have cell service I may call her and tell her the whole story from my point of view. But most likely I wont. As that play has ended with no curtain calls.
I know as an adult what it feels like to be confronted with that same thing. I too was someone's first love, and I too did not return it, in the way that she deserved. I feel badly about it, but I also acknowledge that I was a kid.
That does not stop the guilt. I am guilty of being young at one time. I am guilty of being selfish. I am guilty of not really knowing how I felt, or knowing but not ready to accept it.
We have worked through it to some degree and are able to now maintain a wonderful and unique friendship.
If I loved someone and they did not know it, or ignored it, it is not their fault. Nor is it mine. It is just my story and not theirs.
I have witnessed one of my children feel this same emotion. A love from afar knowing it may never come to fruition. I have seen the longing in her eyes and felt the heaviness in her heart as she comes to her own terms in dealing with it. Some day she may write about her first love that was not returned.
As a parent it is not easy to witness, and being powerless over the situation does not help either. I want to call the object of her affection and say, "Ummm excuse me, do you not see what is right in front of you?"
I was unable to see what had been given to me, and my first love was unable to see what I was offering her as well.
Again, I must emphasize we were all young. Kids really. Just figuring things out, and full of irrational hormones that drove most of our thinking. There is no blame to be had on anyone's account.
What I have learned now, is to open my eyes and see what is being offered to me. A new friend who has taken interest in my life. A new love that is offering me all that she possibly can, even though I know ultimately it wont be enough for me. My children offering me their confusion and questions. Even a stranger I have never met asking for advice on something as simple as her hair.
Non of these I take for granted. If they have chosen me to be part of their stories, than I will be a full participant for them.
If someone takes the time to ask me questions and include me I will do my best to find the answer. If one of my children wants to talk I will listen. If someone offers me love, I will accept it with gratitude even if I may not be able to return it in the way they would like.
If I have been cast in someone's story I want to know.
I may sit here in my bed alone, in a house that is filled with ghosts of my past, but that does not mean I need to dwell among them. I can not alter with integrity the actions of my youth, but I can make sure I am here in the present.
I will not steal the scene, if I am cast as just a walk on character that will be forgotten, then I will do that.
If my new friend has cast me as a bit player, than I am happy to even have been given the role. If my first love chooses to become friends with me as I am now, then I will be there as a devout friend.
If my love interest is saying here is all I have to offer, I will accept graciously until it becomes not enough for either of us.
If all my children ask of me is to be here and sit with them while they tell tales of unrequited love, I will bite my Mama Bear tongue and open up my heart to ache along with them.
I do not want to take for granted anyone that comes in to my own story. From every person something is gained. From every client, stranger, lover, child there is a soliloquy worth hearing.
If you have been cast in someone's personal story take a moment to be present for them. You may be an unnamed character or you may play the leading role. If it is a role you can not accept, let the person know, so that they might be able to move on and make the proper rewrites.
Do you even know how many roles you play in someone else's personal story?
Did you willingly audition or just find yourself in a moment of time being there for another person in the way they need?
Once you have accepted the part, they in turn become part of your story, which results in a collaborative effort.
Take an active part in your story, but keep a keen eye for those that have put you in theirs.
As for the person offering to put me in their story and help me find the path of the straight and narrow, I respectfully decline. I have been cast in that role before.
I will no longer be typecast. Hand me the script, or let me know if this is improve, either way I am here.
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