When something good happens it is a natural reaction to want to share it with someone. One would normally share it with the people closest to them that know them the best and have been following and interacting in their life.
You can imagine how strange it must be for me then, when hearing good news, that the people I chose to share it with first were not the people of blood relations, or the ones who have a long and shared history.
Yes, something big has happened in my little world. Big to me. Important to me. Big enough to make me scream when I saw the news and giggle uncontrollably for about ten minutes. My first thought was, "Oh my God I have to call someone!"
So I did. My first call was to a woman who, although we have known each other for a very long time, we have just recently reconnected. I chose her because she knows what is going on in that aspect of my life. She knows about my career. She is part of that side of me. I called her because I knew that even though we would not see each other face to face she would celebrate with me. And she did,.
Next I told one of my children, because she happened to be nearby when I received the news. My second call was to my boss, my good news effects her as well and I owe her deep gratitude.
After that I did not call anyone.
I sent out text messages. The first one being to a woman I just actually met in person for the first time over the weekend, but we have been speaking for a while now. She also knows this aspect of my life. She knows my career and I know hers. That was how we originally bonded. Over careers. Through talking we found more important deeper common interests. We both love scary movies and hate watching sports on TV. When we finally did meet in person she hugged me and said, "The best friend I never met!"
My own "best friends" still were not informed. Distance has separated us, history keeps us together. But no, they do not know the details of my life. This goes for some of my family as well, and even one or two of my children.
My children are exempt because they are just that, my children. They are focused on themselves, as it should be.
The more success I gain here in Austin, the more I realize how very far apart I am from the people I should be the closest to.
The more success I gain here, the more alone I actually feel.
I wanted to come home to a lover who would hug me, kiss me, push me against a wall and show me the excitement I was feeling. Share that moment with me and intensify it.
Three women in my life were the three I thought of first. One who at this moment is the closest to me, one I just recently met, and one who I once loved deeply, but now we are distant.
I have become independent in so many ways in the last eight years. I have learned to be my own shoulder to cry on, I have mastered the art of a pity party for one, I have learned to solve problems. I have owned up to my mistakes and faults, I have raised five amazing children.
I am proud of all that.
What I have not learned is to quietly accept my successes and not have the desire to share them with someone.
At the end of the night, my small little accomplishment was lost in my big bed as I drifted off to sleep alone.
When will I get used to that and be happy?
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