Whether I am forced, or go willingly outside of my comfort zone I find it difficult to be a part of the activity and not just the observer.
It is my guess that I have always been more of the observant type than the one who can lose herself in the moment. This does not mean I stand in a corner and simply watch. Or that I am up on the bleachers and not part of the game.
It just means that part of my brain is always watching, always asking questions, always curious.
This weekend I went out with a group of new friends. I was reluctant to go, as always because I am comfortable at home.
Having vacillated long enough to arrive late my friends found me quickly and embraced me into their group, and we went out on the deck to sit and talk. People joined the table and I was immediately amused. There was a woman who had one or five too many and was pretty much spilling her life story. I love people who give up the details so easily and all I need to do is listen. What made this woman interesting to me was not the fact that I can not remember her name but know she has not talked to one of her sisters in five years. It was not the fact that she has enough dogs to almost qualify as a hoarder. It was not the fact that I now know which dog (and which of her sisters) that she loves best. It was not even the ironic fact that she was a therapist and drunkenly handed out her card along with her life history to anyone who walked by.
The most interesting part to me was; she was roughly my age, and going out for her is most obviously a regular part of her week routine. I have no problem or judgement with that. I just tried to put myself in her shoes (preferably her sober pair).
I am not saying she should have been home in an apron making homemade doggie treats for her "babies". I am not even saying that she should have possibly stopped one or three drinks ago. She may have wanted to not give out her business card so liberally while inebriated given her line of work.
She made a comment to me that I have never heard before in my life. She said, "You have the best facial expressions, I could just watch you watching everyone else all night long." So maybe she was not too far off as she was able to call me out on that.
I talked with a young girl who was fun, flirty, and made me laugh. My friend commented on how young she is remarking that she is just twenty-five and a baby. I made a mental comparison to myself at twenty-five. I was the mother of two small children, living in Washington DC. Between nursing a baby, taking care of a two year old, and all the things a young mother would do, I realized I did not go to one club during that time.
I was older than this girl at twenty-five than she is. I have always been older. I do believe that comes with being an observer.
I was older at twelve than my own twelve year old.
I have been told that I live in my head too much and not in my body. I have been given the advice that I need to play more and lose myself. So far I have discovered that there are only two ways I lose myself. Dancing, and love.
Love. Not sex as it is easy to mentally disengage and take in what is actually happening (which yes I admit sort of kills it.)
The love of my children. I can watch them talk with their friends, or to each other and get lost in the moment of loving these little creatures that I call mine.
Romantic love is harder for me as I tend to resist it. I believe in it, I want it, I just resist it. To have someone come in to my life and make me lose myself in their words, or in their silence is such a rare and wonderful gift. Often times I need to close my eyes to remain present in that moment and not pull away to be the observer.
I got a text message from my friend after leaving the club. She said her girlfriend just told her she loved her for the first time. I could read her excitement and was touched that I was the first person she wanted to share that with.
I know how it feels to want to hear those words spoken. To hear them said in a way that the only possible reaction is to melt into them. I know what it feels like to sit there in the space of just having them said to you. I know the scary and exciting feeling of saying them back.
I may be up in the bleachers and not on the field completely engaged in the game, but a lot goes on in the bleachers if you open you look around. Conversations are being had. Women are talking about their dogs and sisters, a twenty-five year old is being exactly where she should be at her age. Introductions and plans are being made.
If you are lucky you may look under the bleachers and see a couple sitting in the moment of just having revealed their love for each other. The girl looking at her love with wide eyes her head being held sweetly by her loves hands, the words spoken, and the sweet anticipation of a kiss.
That is a moment to be lost in. That is the most important dance. Life is not a game to be played. Rather it is a dance to be danced. Sometimes you dance alone, sometimes with a partner, sometimes you lead, others you follow. No matter when you dance you are in the moment.
The most important dance I will ever engage in is the dance of love.
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