Before falling asleep last night I did something I do not normally do. I switched my phone to silent mode.
Normally I sleep with a fan on the floor for ambient noise, and since we have no heat in the house currently, I have had the sound of the small space heater. Last night all I had was silence.
I lay on my side and looked at the small Christmas tree in my room and thought about how small my room feels.
Curious that my room felt larger when I shared it with someone than it does now when I am alone. It occurred to me that the entire house felt smaller. Almost stifling.
I woke up in a dream that had started without me. There she was waiting for me, as if she knew I was moments away from sleep and closer to her in a dream. She took my hand and said she had something to show me.
We were in a familiar place and I laughed, delighted at where we were. I made a comment that I needed to to take pictures so I could show some people where I was. I grabbed for my phone to find it did not work.
She laughed and held me closer to her as we sat on the cold ground looking up.
The woman in my dreams showed me the stars in my dream. A sky uninhabited by anything but beauty. More constellations than I had ever seen in my waking life.
She showed me and expansion of my view to the world, and took me out of the smallness of my actual room and actual life.
She kissed me with the intention of love and made me laugh with the unrestraint of a child.
Within her arms I felt safe to look further, be larger than my small little room, and live with a certain amount of spontaneity I would not feel untethered.
I walked barefoot in the cold grass just to feel the place where I had once spent so much time, a place that has become mythical in my mind, and brought back in my dream.
She left me in a room that I had begged her to take me to. She sat me down on a small bed and told me to sleep while she was away.
She let go of my hand, my own arm remained outstretched waiting for her return until I was too tired to wait any longer. I closed my eyes and fell asleep in that little room.
I woke up from my sleeping dream to find my arm stretched out on the empty side of the bed. A smile as I could still see the sky the dream woman had shown me. An image I wish I could share. My feet still felt cold and wet from the grass of my dreams.
A room is just a room. A house is just a place to hold our stuff. My room grows smaller because I am growing larger in my thoughts, in my desires and in my possibilities. I have filled this one space for too long. It is time to let go of it. Time to move. Time to walk in the grass on a cold night on a familiar mountain and stretch my hand out in hopes it will be grasped by the right person.
I have become more than this small room.
It took turning off the world, and opening my eyes to a dream to see where I am and where I am headed.
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