Look What I Got!

For the last 8 years when it comes time to pack away the holiday decorations I always take a moment to wonder where I will be the following year. 

I suppose I have been thinking about moving out of this house for that long. 

This year we all know it is our final holiday in this house.  The last time we will spend putting up the decorations in the usual places they have taken over for ten years.  When I pack them away this year I will do a better and more careful job as I know they will not just be sitting in the attic for a year. 

Like the rest of us, they will be packed up and moved to a new location.  Next year the decorations will have a new home and be put in unfamiliar places.

This morning as the "children" gathered and opened gifts and laughed and talked I sat back and watched.

I saw a daughter who has been living on her own for quite some time now happily talking with her boyfriend.  I saw a son who has recently moved in to his own apartment kiss his girlfriend with affection.

A daughter who will soon be moving to Europe, with no known return date.

A daughter finishing high school and packing up for college.

A daughter who no longer crawls into my lap, but rather rebuffs my affection, for the comforts of text messaging her friends.


I saw myself, moving on with a career I love, a peacefulness in solitude, and where there was once an empty hole in my heart I saw a fullness.  No one has filled that space, but with time it has closed.  With patience it has healed.  With hopefulness it waits to open again someday.  With contentment my heart is peaceful now.

I looked at a family that has grown.  Children who in spite of me have become amazing adults.  I looked for a moment and saw them as the children they once were.  The chubby cheeks, their beliefs in a magical person that brought toys and treats to them.  I saw myself and Eric sitting there with coffee watching as they screamed in delight and rushed over to show us what Santa had brought them.

Today they turned their appreciation and gratitude to me.  They know.  They may not believe in Santa, but they believe in family and in love.

The older children who have moved out took their own ornaments off the tree to bring to their new houses, as was the plan from the very first ornament they each received.  We spoke briefly about each of them coming to take what they want from the house, as I will not be taking much.

I will pack away the ornaments, the decorations, the memories.  I do not feel sad.  We have all grown up, myself included.

We are all ready to move, to a new houses, new jobs, new schools, new countries, new loves.

It has taken us 8 years to get to this point, and now that it is here, it feels good.


It took me forty four years, and the last eight to come into my own. 

It took me letting go, so that I can continue to grow.  Letting go of a house, ornaments, grown children, and a lost love so that I can truly be with my family as we all are now, and will be in the future.


I will still have moments where I look at my children and see the faces of their youth, but I wont linger there, I wont cling to visages of the past.  I will see them for who they are now.  I will do the same when I look in the mirror.

I am very excited to see my reflection in my new surroundings. 

It is time.