Limbo

I received an email from f someone I knew in another lifetime.  A life time called, "high school."  Through the various ways of connecting with people now, and reconnecting he and I have reconnected.  I always liked him and thought he was a good guy, so I was surprised to hear that he had had the opportunity to apologize to an old flame of his.  He made amends for his behavior, a side of him I did not know.

I congratulated him on  this achievement as we do not always get the chance to step in to the past and  say, "Hey, I was a real shit, and I am sorry."  Wasn't everyone a real shit at some point or another?

I am also fairly certain that I spent a few hours with this guy sitting in his brother's car listening to music and making out until the battery died.  Should I apologize to his bother for killing the battery or to my friend who I am not entirely sure it was him I am remembering?

Along with apologizing comes, we hope, forgiveness.  When is the right time to actually forgive?
For me I find it much easier to forgive but never forget.  Then I have others who I choose never to forgive, and their crimes are hardly worth the punishment.

Does a young child forgive her father for turning his back when she announces that she is gay?  She is a grown woman now, accomplished, talented and a good friend.  She seems at peace with what happened to her.  I am more angry for her.  But has she forgiven her father?  Or has she placed him in this weird limbo area where we tend to put people who hurt us the most.  The place where we can not forgive, will not forget, but still want to keep in our hearts in some way.

I want to yank him out of limbo for her and scream in his face.  I want to barge in to his office (in dramatic fashion of course) and get in his face and ask how dare he turn his back on his own flesh?  As a parent I do not understand it.

My other friend felt peace at being able to put an issue to rest and fully release it from Limbo and throw it in the past where it belongs.

How many people am I keeping in Limbo?  Holding them captive for the wrongs they did me, or I did them?

I can feel anger for my friend and her direct it at her father, but he is not in my Limbo.  He is in hers.  I like to leave my Limbo alone.  Let them be. 

Does it matter if the crime committed was over 30 years ago?  The crime of not remembering loving someone.  The crime of not loving someone enough.  The crime of being young and stupid.  Does it hurt to know that I loved someone and they have no memory of it at all?  Yes.  I could lie and say it doesn't matter. but in truth it stings that I meant so little that not one moment was remembered on their behalf.

Now I wonder who I have stung.  One person I know and I have been working at making amends.  But, truly, does it matter? 

I know you for you are right now.  The memories are faded and the person you are in my life right now is all that matters.  I hope that I am not in someones Limbo, or that if I am they release me.  We do not need to harbor all that.

Open the door, release the pain, accept the childhood errors, forgive the folly of youth, choose to remember it, but lighten your heart and let it go.