Here's Where I Stand

In sickness and in health I took the hand of a love and said yes, I will stay.  I will stay to raise our children, I will stay to bare another child.  In sickness and in health I said yes. 

There was more sickness  than there was health.  But I stayed.  I became part of someone.  By definition a wife, caretaker, mother, friend.

Then when I begged God to let him stay, the answer was no.  And I stood alone.

Alone in my pain, alone in my parenting, alone in my bed. 

Alone in my failures, and now ultimately alone in my successes.

Overtime, friendships have been forged.  My heart has healed, and I have now said yes to other things.  I have said yes to a career.  I have said yes to a new part of my life.  A part that some of my closest friends have no idea about it.

I have said yes to standing alone.  It was not until last night that the fullness of standing alone encompassed my being.

I have been standing alone as a hallow shell, relying on people to help me fill that.  Expecting others to fill a void and help be my foundation.

Foundations built on expectations are unstable.  Foundation can only be built from within.  The rest are just support beams, and when they fall away the foundation should be able to stand alone.

Last night I stood alone.  I cried alone.  I laughed alone.  I called upon my support beams for reinforcement and even though I was given that, I still stood alone.

There was a pivotal point where I was literally standing alone.  Awaiting results to say if I had won, or lost.  I stood and realized that no matter what the result there was no one next to me to hug me in congratulations, or offer their arms in consolation.

Yes I stayed.  Yes I stood alone.  Yes I was lost for a moment in self pity, anger and hurt.  The longer I stood, the more I filled up my own  being, causing me to stand taller.

Yes I stayed.  Yes I congratulated myself not on a win, but on the pride I took from my work. 

When sickness took my love away I did not know how to stand.  Had my love stayed I would not have stood there last night, in the cold, alone and feeling complete just being me.

He said, "Just Stay"  and I did.  I continue to stay.  I stay for my children, I stay for my work, I stay for the art I create that needs no approval from anyone but me.

When he begged me to stay and I said I would I had no idea I would be staying for me.  He helped me start the foundation, but I am the one who has carried the rocks, poured the concrete and built it up.  I am the one who celebrates my successes and accepts my failures.

I stand alone. 

I stand alone with a straight back and head high knowing that at one time I said yes to someone else, which ultimately lead me to saying yes to myself.