The Reintroduction

One question I get a lot is, "Have you ever thought of getting back together with your first husband?"

The answer is, "no." 

He and I are still very much together in almost every aspect.  Not a day goes by that I do not see him, in part because he is living with me at the moment.  I  have said before that he is my best friend.  He is more than that.  He is family. 

He grew up as an only child and had both of his parents die at an early age.  I was able to give him a gift he never had.  I gave him a family.  A place where he belongs.  Yes we are divorced and have been for many years.  We knew shortly after the marriage that "marriage" was not how we were supposed to be together.

We figured it out and moved in to the comfortable and happy place of friendship.  This place also meant that we were no longer privy to the intimacies of each others bodies.

There was a time while Eric was alive that the three of us would attend school functions together.  This confused people.  Eventually a woman at school passed around the rumor that my ex was gay and that was how we were able to get along so well.  (Oh the irony of that)

John took to the rumor and began to introduce himself as , "Amy's gay ex husband."

In truth when we decide it is no longer time, or the right thing to be with someone, we give up intimacies that we had become accustomed to.  We give up being the person to make sure they got home okay.  We let go of knowing their tastes in food, movies, and books.  We say goodbye to their habits, both irritating and endearing. 

If we are lucky we keep these people still in our hearts and sometimes in our lives.  I know one person who told me whenever she breaks up with someone she hates them.  She tells herself enough times that she hates them until it becomes true and then the person holds no place in her life at all.

I like to keep people I have loved in my life.  It does not feel right to throw someone away just because we did not work out as a couple.  I may not worry about their day to day activities any longer.  I may for a while shortly after the breakup wonder what they are doing, or have to sit on my hands to prevent myself from calling them.

If enough time passes, and the planets are all aligned I hope for friendship.

There is an awkward time if the ex has moved on and you see them with a new person.  I always think, "Does she know she hates shellfish?  Has she heard the story about her grandmother's dog yet?  Has she found that mole  on her thigh that is oddly shaped like California and we once laughed about in bed?"

When we greet is hugging acceptable?  A kiss on the cheek when I know what her mouth tastes like and tongue feels like?  How do you let go of all of this?

The answer is time. 

No I have no desire to get back with my ex.  I love him.  I will always love him.  I hug him, I kiss him on the cheek or on his bald head.  We have joked that he and I are like Bert and Ernie, or the Odd Couple. 

When a person leaves my heart but not my life there is a time when I have to let go of, or pretend not to know, certain things about them.  It becomes unacceptable to touch them in a certain way.  This is all part of the letting go process.

If I am lucky our eyes will meet for a moment and I will convey that I still know, that I still remember, that I still hold you in my heart, but no longer my arms.