Now that Fall has settled in (in Texas) I am seeing a number of spring and summer relationships come to an end.
Some friends are breaking up with their partners of a few short months, while others are trying to gain footing on breakups from years long commitments. Neither are easy to do or watch.
I keep hearing the lyrics, "Breaking up is hard to do" replay in my mind, but even that seems too sugary and understated.
For the relationships that lasted only a few months there was not much of a middle ground. There was no time spent deciding not to go out and just be home alone with a bad movie and not caring about how each other looked. Maybe these are the best kind of breakups.
The beginning is filled with butterflies and hours of endless talking, every song having meaning. The end is filled with nausea, endless talking (to friends) and every song holds meaning.
Where are the love songs about, "Sorry the meatloaf burned but you forgot to take out the trash."? I missed the greatest hit of, "You maxed out the credit card and now I will have to work two extra shifts."
The B Side to that being, "So, you wanna fool around?"
The middle part of relationships for me are the best part. Butterflies may be wonderful but they dissipate. Songs can still hold meaning, but are not played as often. The middle part of a couple's story is filled with secrets and intimacies that are completely hidden in the beginning of the story.
Prince Charming does not ride up to find the Princess cutting her toenails. Rather he finds a perfectly pedicured foot to slip his slipper upon.
I think that the reason I spent so many years pining away for my lost love was because we did not have enough of the middle part. There should have been more years to learn and love all the nuances of each others habits and quirks.
Breakups can be one sided, as in when one partner dies. Or they can be messy and filled with lawyers, complicated words, and division of assets. How do you decide the net worth of your broken heart? Is you any more broken than the other persons?
I have always believed in clean and easy breakups. I joke with my first husband that I divorced him a long time ago and I still can't get rid of him. The truth is, I have no desire to get rid of him. I no longer love him the way I once did, or thought I did. But I still smile when I hear, "When A Man Loves A Woman" on the radio and recall how that was our first dance at our wedding. I remember when we split up and were moving to separate houses we sat and divided up our CD's. We laughed over who would get A Chorus Line Soundtrack. I have no idea who did end up with it, as most likely we shared it in just the same manner we shared our children, our habits, and our finances.
A close friend of mine is going through the equivalent of a divorce. She is feeling the pain and loss from a bad breakup. Since I do not know her former partner I am inclined to take her side of the story, knowing there is always two sides. My loyalty lies with her, but when you walk in to her apartment the very first thing you see is a table full of photos of her previous life. Snapshots of a happy family, all in beautiful frames. I wondered to myself why she would want to come home everyday and have this be the first thing that greets her.
I understand now.
It was a life of middles. They had the time together to settle in to a routine and learn each others habits. They probably knew what was going to made for dinner on any given night. Roles were assigned, who would pick up their child from whatever activity, who would go to the store, who would make the first move during sex. It may not be the romantic time of a relationship but it is the time that solidifies one.
I would want to come home to memories of that too, especially if I now resided in a foreign place without my "Middle" comforts to ground me. Her divorce is messy and there is lack of communication, but my friend still gains pleasure from at least seeing proof of the good years spent together.
"Let's Get It On" moves to "Baby Try Not Fart In Bed" and for some will end with "Breaking Up Is Hard To Do".
I have managed to remain friends with just about every ex I have ever had. Some have moved to the occasional email, three have moved to the grave, and one or two have become my dearest friends. All are kept close in memory and I choose to look at the middle times we had together, even if they were brief.
The middle time may consist of just a moment. An hour on a dock, a conversation about birds, listening to bat Out Of Hell while driving to the mountains. Middle times may be years long and blur into traditions. Holidays spent cooking the same meals, establishing ownership of one side of the bed, and yes even laughing about farts.
I have taken down most of the photographs of Eric in my house. I feel no need to hold on to a shrine. We broke up. Not by mutual choice, or argument, but by some sort of fate.
There may be heartbreak and pain when first going through a breakup. There may be attempts at a last minute stay of execution out of habit, desperation, stubbornness or love.
If you are lucky and have the person in your life for long enough the anger may fade and be replaced with a friendship. What better friend is someone who once held your heart in their hands?
"And it's hard to say goodbye my love, hard to see you cry my love, hard to open up that door when you're not sure what you're going for." ~ Dreamgirls
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