Which Way to the Exit?

I had the opportunity to attend a seminar entitled "Get Motivated!"  I was looking forward to a few of the speakers and had no idea who some of the other ones were.

I missed the first half of the day due to a work obligation, in which I was part of a fashion shoot for a magazine.  Not the comfortable part of making everyone else look good for the camera, but I too was in the shoot and therefore in front of the camera along with an amazing group of my peers. 

Squeezed into a dress which left me breathless with its beauty and binding, I helped others get ready and ran about in my usual frenzy hunting down lip gloss, bobby pins, and desperately trying to keep my breasts from falling out.

All the while I was dealing with a personal issue that could not wait.  I was in the midst of a heated conversation with a friend via text messaging.  There are times when I turn my phone off, and other times I need to leave it on in case clients call.  I had my phone on and the little beeping sound of incoming messages was near relentless.

I excused myself for a moment to go outside and quickly message back to my friend that now was not the time and we could talk later on during the night.

After the photo shoot there was a quick change of clothes in to very informal apparel and a dash to the seminar, with fake eyelashes still intact.  A nice mixture of glam and slacker.

My conversation with my friend continued as I watched the battery on my phone slowly die.  Seated with my coworkers the first speaker was just starting. 

I was ready to Get Motivated!!!  However I was being weighed down by my personal life.  No amount of "Just Do It" or "Be Your Own Boss" was going to help.

I had no idea what the speaker was talking about as I sat lost in my own despair.  So many questions running through my head.

"When did I become this person that can be so mean and hateful to another human?"

"Why is this happening?"

"Am I all these things I am being accused of?  I know what I am spewing forth is not the truth, but maybe I am guilty."

It was then that I realized I was guilty.  Not guilty of any of the actual things I was being accused of, but guilty non the less.

I was guilty of not being in control.  I was guilty of not removing myself from the situation.

I have stayed in situations that were not the best for me, be it jobs, friendships, relationships, even houses.  I have stayed out of fear of change.  I have enabled my own bad behavior, thus allowing others to do the same.

While people around me were shouting and applauding in agreement to whatever was being said on stage I took control and said, "No more."

I will no longer be the person I was behaving like.  I will no longer use hateful words in retaliation.  I was the one who needed to remove myself.

At that moment I felt mentally free.  I removed myself and my negative thoughts and words.  I no longer wanted to use my mentality to cause pain for myself or anyone else.

It did  not matter who was right, who was wrong, what the facts were,  I needed to remove myself to free myself and anyone who has been on the receiving end of my negativity.

I have witnessed two friends argue and end their friendship.  One knew when it was time to remove herself from the situation.  This is not a selfish act as it also allows the other person to also be removed and free.

I have in my life spent hours trapped inside my own guilt, my own hatred, my own self loathing, and when I finally turned the phone off and looked up, I felt motivated.  Motivated to release myself and my captures from the same guilt, pain and hatred.

By removing myself I became motivated to become the person I want to be, and believe resides within me.